By Staff
Tips and guidelines to understanding women
I have women all figured out.
Important note: This week’s column is to be read BY MEN ONLY and stored in safe-keeping for frequent reference. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause non-men. (You’ll have your very own column soon. If you wish to read something humorous, please turn to the comics on page 7A.)
For many years, I stood in the shadows and observed women (not in a creepy way, it’s word-play, genius) and became intrigued by their sheer numbers. It seemed everywhere I turned, there were these creatures abounding who didn’t spit or have Adams apples. What’s their deal? I wondered.
Early on in life — I think I was 33 — I had a “eureka moment” that revealed a full understanding of those overly-laden with X chromosomes. Once I concluded that roughly half of all people weren’t men, I knew this was a group to be reckoned with!
Up to that point, I could never make a commitment to something (i.e., “someone”) I didn’t fully understand. I had progressed through various stages of “going together,” dating, and being “just good friends” with several women (not at the same time). It was a lot like baseball: Fun to play, but I could never grasp the infield fly rule. I didn’t want to begin a marriage only to get thrown out on a technicality (to extend this already bad metaphor).
I knew that until I had a firm foundation in the rules of the game, I wasn’t about to make a lifelong commitment. So, I figured out the rules, made some of my own, and I equipped myself to become Superhusband. (Trademark protected.)
So, what happened at the age of 33 to change things? I met the perfect person and asked her to marry me. (She said, “yes.”) She has been the yin to my yang … … the Kathy Lee to my Regis … the sugar on my grapefruit … the Hillary to my Bill … (wait, I take back that last one).
Not to be immodest, but I do have all the answers. (The chicken came first, by the way.)
What makes me an expert on the womanic gender? Allow me to list my qualifications: I am married to a woman. My mom is a woman. My sisters are women. I work with many women. I have seen Oprah before (just ONE time, don’t judge me). What gives me the authority to advise other men about women? Well, I am, after all, a columnist for a Pulitzer Prize-winning newspaper. Enough said.
Here are my replies to three questions posed recently. (A book will be published soon with thousands of such frequently asked questions — must raise additional funds for a boat.)
What does it mean when my wife says, “Good morning!”? (Frank from Bath) Good question, Frank. This is a tricky one. Women teach each other this convicting statement when they all go to the bathroom together. It is intended to confuse and disorient the victim. It appears innocent enough on its surface, but it really means: “It’s about time you pulled your lazy (self) out of bed. It’s Saturday and I’ve got a list of projects for you to do.” You MUST feign illness, quickly. “My back is locked-up,” usually works well.
Superhusband, are flowers really a good fix when I’ve said something wrong? (Hood from Beaufort County) I’ve found flowers to be overrated. Usually, when I’ve really messed up at home, my wife knows I’m going to make some meaningless gesture instead of mending my ways. So, she pre-empts this act by saying; “ … and don’t go buying me no flowers, they’re expensive and gonna be dead in a day anyway, like this marriage.” Your reply should be, “Well, here’s the $10 I was going to spend on the flowers. Go buy yourself something pretty.” Crisis resolved.
When a woman asks you how you REALLY feel about something, aren’t you in a no-win situation? (Archie from Washington) Absolutely! This is a paradoxical firestorm waiting to burn you to a crisp. You have entered the lose-lose zone; the Catch-22 of any relationship. You should have NEVER engaged in a meaningful conversation in the first place. What were you thinking? Get out, fast! Just turn and run. Let the innate “flight” response kick in to overdrive.
There are many things about women that men are just never going to understand. You shouldn’t even try. They’re as mysterious as the dark matter of the universe, as puzzling as tax forms and as curious as Paula Deen.
Here are some imponderables of the female state-of-mind (in a particular order that is disclosed ONLY in the book — only $99.95 if you order now): The Lifetime Channel; window treatments; Nicholas Sparks (so what if he’s from New Bern?); daily hygiene; “chick flicks;” the need for more than two pairs of shoes; Richard Simmons; crying; talking; wicker furniture; toilet flushing; bridge; book clubs; estrogen; scrapbooking; interior design; highlights; anniversaries; romance novels; dust ruffles; matching clothes; horoscopes; thank you notes; pedicures; eyebrow tweezers; candles; Tom Jones, Michael Bolton or Justin Timberlake (to cover all generations); shopping (for shopping’s sake); bridal showers … There are many more, but I’m on deadline.
To conclude, I have explained ways men can meaningfully engage women in several areas. I have provided useful guidelines and retorts to help you build strong relationships. All I ask in return is that you provide for me a couch upon which to sleep. I will probably need it.
Ray McKeithan is associate publisher of the Washington Daily News. If you have questions or comments about operations, policies or content in the WDN that can be addressed in future columns, please send an email to: ray@wdnweb.com or call 252-940-4205.