Domestic violence is a familiar topic for most adults, but did you know that it’s also a problem among dating teens? According to the Centers for Disease Control, one in 10 high school students has suffered intentional physical harm from a romantic partner, yet other research suggests that many parents don’t believe teenage domestic violence is an issue.

Part of the problem is that adults think of teen relationships as a passing fancy, but that doesn’t mean kids see dating that way. Remember, any relationship feels very real to the person who’s in it. When we brush off teen dating as trivial, we can miss important red flags. Your kids need to know how to recognize those warning signs early, before problems get out of hand.

Just as grown-up domestic violence includes verbal or emotional abuse, kids who berate, isolate, intimidate or otherwise manipulate the emotions of their partners are setting the stage for potential future violence. Teach your kids the importance of mutual respect, equality and appropriate boundaries, both emotional and physical. Help them understand red flags that suggest they should look elsewhere for companionship.

Once abuse starts, it can be hard to escape. In many cases, the victims truly care for their partners, and may not want to leave — even if it’s obvious to you that they should. Victims often stay because the perpetrator has brainwashed them to believe they’re worthless, unwanted or undeserving of other people’s concern. Furthermore, it’s a fact that victims are at greatest risk of physical harm when trying to leave an abuser, so they have real reasons to be afraid.

What can you do if you think your child might be in an abusive relationship? Unfortunately, seemingly obvious, “common sense” solutions often don’t work, because in these situations, all common sense has been distorted by the perpetrator. Telling someone to “just leave” ignores the real problems, which lie with the abuser, not the victim.

If the child does want to end the relationship, discourage retaliation or aggression of any kind, instead focus on appropriate boundary setting and eliminating contact with the abuser. If you have concerns about immediate safety, don’t hesitate to call a local domestic violence counselor, who will advise about your options based on knowledge of local resources and your individual situation. Local law enforcement can also address safety concerns and explain your options for preventing contact. Remember, just because they’re kids doesn’t mean it’s child’s play; trust your gut, and get help if you need it.

What if your child doesn’t want to end the relationship? You have a little more leverage if your child is a minor, but setting limits can be tricky when the child is highly motivated to maintain contact with the abusive partner. You may inadvertently strengthen their bond if they perceive the situation as a Romeo and Juliet, “us against the adults” scenario. While consulting a domestic violence counselor or law enforcement is still important, this situation also makes therapy essential. Therapists provide a much-needed neutral perspective, helping kids assess the situation from all angles so they can make clearer decisions in their own best interests. Therapy can also help them avoid repeating unhealthy patterns in future relationships.

Finally, in addition to local resources, consider one of the many available online help options, as these may be more appealing to teens. An excellent choice is loveisrespect.org, which provides thorough information along with 24/7 chat, phone and text coverage for anyone needing immediate assistance. They also offer safety plans both for high school and college-aged kids, as well as tips on identifying abuse red flags and how to handle break-ups.

As parents, we can’t rest too comfortably on the notion that “puppy love” will pass. We need to make sure our kids understand healthy boundaries in all their relationships, no matter what their age.

Tamara Stevens, MA, is a child psychologist at Washington Pediatrics and can be reached by calling 252-946-4134.