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If you have a couple of minutes, see what you think of some clever wit.

George B. Shaw to Winston Churchill – Cannot possibly attend first night. I will attend the second … if there is one.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli – Sir, you will either die on the gallows, or of some unspeakable disease.

That depends, Sir, said Disraeli, whether I embrace your policies or your mistress.

He had delusions of adequacy. – Walter Kerr

I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure. – Clarence Darrow

He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary. – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book. I’ll waste no time reading it. – Moses Hadas

I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approve of it. – Mark Twain

He has no enemies but is intensely disliked by his friends. – Oscar Wilde

I feel so miserable without you. It’s almost like having you here. – Stephen Bishop

He is a self-made man and worships his creator. – John Bright

I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial. – Irvin S. Cobb

He is not only dull himself. He is the cause of dullness in others. – Samuel Johnson

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up. – Paul Keating

In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yields easily. – Charles, Count Talleyrand

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him. – Forrest Tucker

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it? – Mark Twain

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork. – Mae West

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go. – Oscar Wilde

He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts…for support rather than illumination. – Andrew Lang

He has Van Gogh’s ear for music. – Billy Wilder

I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it. Groucho Marx

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire. – Winston Churchill

This ends this recounting of memorable “zingers” from another time.
NOTE – Thanks to Stewart for passing this humor along.