A recent New York Times article debunked the popular notion that half of U.S. marriages end in divorce. Nevertheless, it’s an all-too-common outcome, and one of the hardest decisions to make is how to divide a child’s time between each parent. Children can certainly adapt to splitting their time, but their success depends largely on their parents. Here are some ways to make things easier on your child.

A good schedule is key, yet often overlooked. Many parents, overwhelmed in this unfamiliar territory, default to the typical schedule: children stay with one parent during the week, alternating weekends and holidays with the other parent. This schedule doesn’t work for every family, though. The best schedule is one that fits your unique situation and, most importantly, puts the children’s needs first.

As you develop your schedule, consider your children’s ages and needs. For example, younger kids may find it hard to be away from their primary caretaker for long periods, but elementary children may prefer longer visits to short ones. Busy, independent teenagers may prefer the flexibility to change things up depending on their school, sports or work commitments. Older kids may also like to drop in for a quick meal or a movie night in addition to their scheduled visits.

Of course, kids shouldn’t call all the shots, and real-world responsibilities prevent parents catering to a child’s every whim. Think about work schedules, transportation arrangements, anything that might interfere with a regular routine. If one parent works swing shift, a traditional visitation routine may fall short. Mid-week visits might not suit if one parent lives far from the child’s school. A working teen may not be able to get time off for weekend visits. Brainstorm the potential conflicts before you finalize plans.

Once you have a general schedule in place, remember to keep things nice. Easier said than done, of course, but the more respectful exes can be toward each other, the better the kids adjust in the long run. If it’s too painful to drop off at your ex’s house, try meeting in a neutral place or at a relative’s home. You can also exchange around the school schedule, dropping off and picking up there instead, as long as it doesn’t distress the child. A school exchange fits nicely into the child’s regular routine while minimizing opportunities for parental animosity.

In addition to being civil, many parents find it hurts their feelings to hear their child gush about the ex. Regardless, you must allow your child to enjoy the other parent. The things that drive you batty about that person may be the very things your child loves. Children need to feel comfortable talking about their plans and activities at both homes. They should know that it’s always okay to love both parents, even if the parents no longer love each other.

Furthermore, don’t badmouth your ex to your child, even if you’re right. For example, it’s tempting to trash a parent who breaks promises or disappoints a child. Just remember your child loves that parent anyway; hearing you talk junk won’t make him feel any better. Instead, be supportive and focus on being the best parent you can be — remember, you are the only person you can control.

Finally, be consistent, yet flexible. If possible, talk with your ex about the rules you each expect the child to follow, and be consistent enforcing those. Try to maintain similar routines when you can, such as keeping similar meal and bed times. Obviously, these day-to-day details are some of the hardest to control; after all, chances are good you have some differences in your values and parenting styles. If you and your ex cannot agree on discipline between houses, then focus on doing your part in your own home. Your child should understand and follow the rules at your house, even if the expectations differ elsewhere.

If your situation is one with serious problems, such as substance abuse, domestic violence or a hostile custody battle, consider consulting a therapist experienced in working with children in these sticky divorce situations. Separation and divorce are hard on everyone in the family, but for most people, the situation doesn’t have to be hopeless or miserable. Try these strategies to help your kids, and yourself, adjust to a new normal.

Tamara Stevens, MA, is a child psychologist at Washington Pediatrics and can be reached by calling 252-946-4134.